Milwaukee, Wisconsin. Aliens geared up in the local professional baseball team’s attire put were on protest Sunday night. Since baseball has increased the testing for HGH and other steroids the game has seen a significant decrease in home runs. While most of the fans call it a pitcher’s league now, aliens call it an unfair measure to reduce the scientific studies they perform on humans known as abductions.
“Yeah, I mean it is going against all the compromises we’ve made as an interspecies relationship” Flermgak, inter-stellar baseball fan, explained. “Our forefathers and Abner Doubleday created the game of baseball to give us the appropriate time to perform these studies. Every time someone gets ahold of the ball, the stadium is at a standstill. All eyes fixed on the ball allowing us to perform these abductions in seconds.”
Before there was baseball, alien abductions interfered in everyday life. Humans would be minding their business when an abduction would happen. If there was no reference to what was happening before hand most humans would end up spending the rest of their afternoon contemplating on what they were actually going to do. To solve this problem Aliens and Humans worked for months to create a new system to allow abductions without interfering with the train of thought. A Home Run is allows the human to put together what was happening before the abduction for 2 reasons. The process is short, Home Runs will last no longer than 10 seconds and you are with a crowd of people who will cheer and point so everyone knows exactly what to look at.
“I like aliens. They have green heads. They poke needs in my head” Little Tommy Tucker started to say before his dad told him to be quiet and not divulge too much information.
“Steroids have been what you humans call a Godsend. The more home runs the more tests we run. Taking away the Home Runs means taking away the tests during games and messing with people’s thoughts in real life” Said Flermgak. “I think the American forefathers would be rolling in their graves right now because of this action. I hope they are ready for the consequences.”
A group of Aliens have begun meeting every Wednesday at the Church of Scientology on Baker Street. For more information on how to join the Alien’s cause to bring back HGH to baseball contact Flermgak by making 4 hand waves while keeping one finger on your nose during the next Home Run you see. This will give the aliens ample time to study if you are worth for the cause.
“Aliens, they are ruining the ga… (10 second pause). What was I doing again?” Little Tommy Tucker’s dad said before grabbing his son and walking in circles. This fight is far from over it seems.